Author: Mudi Ugono

June 21st: Father’s day – as a father and son

Father’s Day is celebrated in more than 100 countries around the world. According to Wikipedia, Father’s Day is a day of honouring fatherhood and paternal bonds, as well as the influence of fathers in society. Such a supposition would imply that there are paternal bonds to celebrate. Is there a point when, due for example to a father’s absenteeism, that the parental bond is so weak as to render the celebration of a Father’s Day mute?

My son Elijah turned 2 in April 2020 and the level of joy he’s brought to my life even at this stage is immeasurable. Seeing him crawl, walk and say “yeah yeah yeah” to articulate his approval have all been joyous moments; and my life has been enriched to have witnessed them.

These are all moments that my own father missed: my mother immigrated to the UK when I was ten months old along with 4 other siblings (I’m the youngest of 5).

There are no doubt many lessons that a father operating within a traditional family structure (mum, dad and children) can teach their kids about life, love and the dynamics between a husband and wife; and a father and mother. The dynamism within the household presents the first opportunity for children to learn by observation. I therefore recognise that the lack of a father and husband in my household as a child likely leaves me deficient in areas. I similarly recognise that I may not even be aware of what or where the possible deficiencies may lay (the so-called “unknown unknown” problem). I’m happy to own that upfront – and can at least commit to being open to new and novel approaches and suggestions in these areas, particularly to correct dysfunctional behaviours or thought-processes or both that may be more appropriate in a fight for survival.

To be clear, my mother did an incredible job – in an absolute sense. The additional stress and strain of having to operate with limited financial resources, in the absence of a support system (e.g. no extended family), and within a backdrop where her kids (particularly the (3) sons) were surrounded by the alluring influences to earn ‘fast money’ makes the achievement frankly remarkable. The deficiencies previously highlighted are entirely mine to own and address.

The financial ramifications of not having two parents involved in raising the kids should be self-evident. However, it did make me wonder and reflect on what I had ‘lost’ from not having a model of what a father and husband ‘looks like’ (i.e. the non-financial loss). My father was a man who I knew through the experiences of other people. We would speak intermittently for a couple of minutes on significant dates, e.g. mine or one of my siblings’ birthdays. It was sporadic and reduced exponentially over time. The format of each exchange was formulaic; to the point where a robot could have quite convincingly played a character on the end of the line without fear of detection.

My dad came to the UK around a year before he passed.

I had gotten engaged during the period that he was in the UK; and had never asked him for anything before but felt compelled to ask if he would be willing to meet my then fiancee’s father. It’s a culturally symbolic meeting for many and was an opportunity for two fathers to look at each other eyeball to eyeball. My father turned down my request: yet another rejection to add to the disinterest shown towards my wellbeing in childhood. So disappointing. The reason for the rejection only served to add salt to the injury; further reaffirming an image of a mentally and emotionally weak man.

I attended my dad’s 70th birthday celebration knowing that it would be the last time I would see him alive. He was physically frail as a consequence of cancer, which had spread to multiple parts of his body. He died a few months later in April.

Becoming a father myself and experiencing the joys of fatherhood has helped me to genuinely ‘believe’ that it is he and not I who ultimately lost from his absenteeism. Memories are priceless and is the only thing that will give us comfort as our time on this earth draws to an end.

Experiences can have a profound effect on us, our motivations and our desires. The (lack of) experiences with my own father motivates me to be (even more) present in my son’s life. Time will tell how successful my efforts will prove to be.

In the meantime, happy Father’s day to the similarly motivated father’s out there.

The Value of Money

Students of finance would have heard the phrase: ‘the time value of money’. For those unfamiliar with this phrase, it captures the idea that a Pound, Dollar, Indian Rupee, whatever, is worth more today than tomorrow. Why? Because you can earn interest by placing your money in a savings account to earn (admittedly low, certainly in the UK where base rates are 0.5% at present :-)) interest.

Many may be aware of the United States threat to cut aid to Palestine. In a series of tweets, the US President Donald Trump threatened to cut off payments to the Palestinian Authority unless its leaders, who were accused of not showing enough “appreciation or respect” to the US, agreed to resume negotiations to broker a peace deal with Israel. To facilitate the talks, Trump declared that “we have taken Jerusalem, the toughest part of the negotiation, off the table”.

Two points are highlighted below to give additional background to the tweets:

      • Days earlier, Mr Trump had announced the US’s intention to move its Tel Aviv based embassy to Jerusalem. Israel has always regarded Jerusalem as its capital; however other countries (including bodies such as the United Nations) consider the city disputed territory and subject to negotiation with the Palestinians. Israel’s settlement in East Jerusalem following the 1967 Six Day war is considered illegal under international law.
      • The US is one of the largest foreign contributors to the Palestinian Authority’s Ministry of Finance, which uses the money to support the security forces, as well as social welfare programmes.

Regardless of one’s personal opinion of Mr Trump and his leadership style, the Palestinians are in a predicament; do what is necessary to convince Trump that they “appreciate or respect” the US or risk cuts in aid. Whilst some, rightly or not, may label Trump’s threat to link aid with his political agenda grotesque, the reality is there is no such thing as a ‘free lunch’ (to steal another finance phrase). Concessions, explicit or otherwise, usually need to be made in exchange for money. Trump has merely elected to adopt a particular explicit variety.

This situation serves as a reminder, for me at least, of the peril that can arise from being overly reliant on others to provide basic needs. Of course, there are circumstances where this is unavoidable; life happens and is not the crime. The easy option may be to accept a fish and ease the hunger pains for a day. How much is the autonomy of catching your own fish worth?

As for the solution to the Palestinian predicament; it is ultimately a matter for the people of Palestine. My question to readers is this: what would you do or expect if you or your country’s leadership were facing a similar predicament?

Let me know your thoughts in the comment box below.

The Power of Words

I recently read an article about the ‘World’s ugliest pig caught on camera’. In it, we were told that scientists had captured the first footage in the wild of one of the world’s rarest, and ugliest, pigs. Now, whilst the article did go on to highlight the threat that these animals (for those interested, it was a Javan warty pig, which lives in Indonesia) face from hunting and habitat loss due to human interference; the aspect of the article that really stood out to me was… the title: the ‘World’s ugliest pig caught on camera’.

I admit that I found the photograph of the pig somewhat hideous; however, what makes the picture of THIS particular pig the ugliest? What metrics have been used to objectively determine its ‘ugliness score’? Is there no other, uglier, animal?

They say beauty (and by implication ugliness) is in the eye of the beholder. Despite this, how many and how often do people accept what really is an opinion as though it were a fact?

I shocked myself at my preparedness to allow someone else, and worse – somebody I did not know or trust, tell me how to feel about the image of a pig. Joseph Goebbels, Hitler’s propaganda minister, famously said “A lie told often enough becomes the truth”.

Whilst it is impossible to be entirely free from others’ influence, we can control what we watch and read (i.e. the inputs). Words have power and we should be careful that those who we allow to get close to us help and not hinder us along our journey of self-discovery and towards the best version of ourselves.

What’s in a name?

My name is Mudiaga but my friends and family call me Mudi. It took me a long time to ‘accept’ my name. As a child I remember sitting uncomfortably in class whilst the teacher took the register – knowing it was going to be called in full; and worse, mispronounced. How I longed for a normal (“English”) name.  If I’m honest, it wasn’t until my University years that I finally accepted my name and tried to ‘become it’. For those unfamiliar with the Urhobo language (one of the languages spoken in Delta State, Nigeria) my name translated to English means ‘Stand Firm’.

I have been asked by a few people what made me decide to start blogging and I wanted to share my response as I think it gives some insight About Me and my journey to ‘standing firm’.

  • I wanted to create a platform for self-expression on issues and topics that genuinely move or interest me.
  • I am (proud to be) Nigerian by heritage. This I neither can control nor feel guilt for. There is a fair degree of negative imagery that can sometimes be associated with people of Nigerian descent. I’m sure many are familiar with the various ‘Nigerian scam’ jokes for example all over the internet. You may even find them funny. Unfortunately, these jokes can create cognitive biases (but they’re harmless right?) and can have detrimental effects on the sense of self-worth for the abused. My wife and I love our son and will give our lives to protect him.  I hope, through my writings, to play my part in showcasing the strong, entrepreneurial and hardworking elements of a people whose image has been so badly damaged by the few.
  • Above all, I wanted to put something out in the world that my unborn son could read in future to learn a little about who his father is and was. My mother is no longer here with me and I remain grateful for the digital footprint she created that allows me to continue to hear and see her in my home.

My call to action is firstly that you read (and leave comment on :-)) my blog and remember the humanity that resides in all of us; regardless of gender, race and sexual orientation we are all souls residing in borrowed bodies trying to forge a life whilst we are here.

In Those We Trust

I’m sure many are aware of the saying “In God We Trust”. It’s an expression that rings in my ear at this time of the Year (December) when I often find myself watching the movie ‘Miracle on 34th Street’; a 1994 American Christmas fantasy film written and produced by John Hughes. I thoroughly recommend the movie to those who haven’t yet seen it.

The part of the movie that comes to mind is the court scene towards the end of the film involving Kris Kringle who, the Prosecution allege, is falsely claiming to be Santa Claus. The Judge in charge of the case is under immense pressure from commercial interests to rule in favour of the Prosecution. He is about to do so until he is reminded, by a child, that the American dollar bill contains the words “In God We Trust”. The dollar bill has value only because The People, as a collective, have faith and trust that the US Government will honour its commitment to stand behind the currency. Without this faith, the dollar bill is worth a little less than toilet roll; unless you have a particular rough paper fetish.

Moving to the world of the real, there are a number of parallels that can be drawn from the trust and faith required to accept dollar bills as a medium of exchange.

I would like to focus on one group of public servant In Whom We Trust; the Metropolitan Police. The police have an important and powerful role in our society. I recently read a rape case on the BBC app involving a young man named Liam Allan, which serves as a reminder of the tragedy that can occur if those to whom we are supposed to trust let us down.

For those unfamiliar with the case Liam, a 22 year old University student, was charged with 12 counts of rape and sexual assault. If convicted, he would have faced 12 years in prison and been placed on the sex offenders register for life. His case was dropped three days into the trial after police were ordered by the court to hand over phone records in their possession. The messages revealed that the alleged victim had pestered Liam for ‘casual sex’ and had spoken to friends expressing how much she enjoyed their encounters. However, despite being in receipt of these messages for over 2 years, the crime prosecution service failed to disclose this evidence because there was “nothing further to disclose”. It was only after Liam’s solicitor reiterated their request on the first day in court that the information was made available.

I will leave it to readers to decide whether the crime prosecution service’s decision to proceed to trial on a ‘conviction by any means necessary’ basis irrespective of information to suggest Liam’s innocence or whether, in the words of the Prosecution barrister the decision was due to “pure incompetence”. Regardless of the conclusion drawn, this case highlights a wider issue with the Police as an institution: there are no consequences even where there is evidence to suggest negligence or worse on the part of police officers.

I struggle to find any other institution in the private or public sector where such behaviour would be accepted with so little consequence. My sister in-law, who is a social worker, would be struck off or face a custodial sentence of up to 5 years if she were found to have demonstrated similar neglect. Against this backdrop, it is difficult to argue against those who complain that there is one rule for police officers and another rule for everybody else.

As a society we also need to look at ourselves to understand whether we exacerbate the already perverse distortions that is unique to the police force. Are we so superficial that we only want to see high conviction rates, regardless of innocence, or do we want our prisons to be full of people who have actually committed a crime? It’s easy to use the conviction rate statistics as a marketing gimmick that politicians can point to as ‘proof’ that our streets are safer but it is illusory if the real perpetrators of crimes continue to live next door.

Liam’s case really does question how many cases are there of people, who like Liam, had evidence that never made it to court to support their innocence and due to police ‘incompetence’ paid the ultimate price with their freedom.

I will finish this piece with this; with power comes great responsibility. Peter Parker’s uncle knew that. Those unable to shoulder the accountability that should come with being a guardian should not be given such powers. Faith in the rule of law can only be achieved when we can have confidence In Those We Trust to both maintain the rule of law and be accountable against the same rules for which they are gatekeepers.